When Everything Dissolves

March 2020.

The world has suddenly and drastically changed, and things are scary as hell.

The majority of the world has been to one degree or another, forced inside.

Freedoms we took for granted, simple as walking down the street or being able to get whatever we want at the grocery store, gone.

Luxuries and distractions like being able to hop on a plane, visit a museum, take in a concert, cancelled.

Social connections like lunch at a favorite cafe or a movie out with friends, postponed.

Masses of people, including myself, who were already just getting by and living paycheck to paycheck, without savings or health insurance, now find themselves either with severely cut back hours or without work entirely, facing an uncertain and frightening financial situation.

Hospitals and clinics, already victims of increasingly dysfunctional and inadequate health care systems, now overwhelmed and struggling to provide care to even the sickest, in some places.

And the most widespread and contagious pathogen of all, spreading like a massive wildfire, Fear.

Fear.

A visitor to which no one is immune. Especially myself, having lived so much of my life in paralyzing fear from a long list of real and imagined terrors.

No one is immune. But there is a cure. More on that in a moment…

Prior to quarantine, I was working 6-7 days a week between two jobs, as I had been for the better part of 7 years. Still struggling with a chronic illness, and working to build a new career on the side, I was exhausted, inside and out.

When quarantine started, I lost the majority of my work, from over 40 hours a week down to about 5. At first I was shocked, unsettled, and really scared. Uncomfortable doesn’t begin to cover it.

Instead of using the overflow of free time, the likes I had not experienced in years, “wisely”, to get my online business going, write, or create art, I found myself sitting for hours, doing nothing.

I don’t mean sitting for hours watching Netflix or YouTube videos or TikTok (all of which I did later do in copious amounts…), I mean, I sat for hours doing nothing. No music, not trying to meditate, literally just sitting in silence, staring at the walls.

Eventually I came to crave this time of sacred stillness. It became like an exquisite love affair, with myself. To sit and experience, what was it like to be in my own skin, without judgement, conclusion, or agenda? Underneath all the thoughts and sensations, memories and goals and dreams, who was I really? If I knew that even the most intense thoughts or feelings could actually just be felt as pure sensation and would not harm me, what would I be willing to meet within myself?

As it turns out, a lot. So much came up.

Including that despite having so much time to rest and take care of myself, instead of steadily getting better and having a massive improvement in my health, which is what I was assuming would happen, I became much more sick. Dangerously so, it later turned out.

It took every tool I’ve garnered in the last 10 years of my spiritual journey, all my willingness and courage, to meet these places within myself. Such intense feelings and emotions, and thoughts so scary sometimes, it was all I could do to just hold myself and breathe. But hold myself and breathe I did, with absolute fierce love and devotion.

Because, there is a lifestyle practice to which I am deeply committed, that I have come to call, “Yes, And”.

YES to the fear, the unknown, the uncertainty. Yes to the grief, the tumult, the sudden upheaval. Not just my own grief, fear and uncertainty, but like so many energetically sensitive beings during this time of global expansion and massive awakening, I was feeling a swirl of energies wafting off the collective.

Then I made the choice to turn to the AND part of my practice, which is, AND, Who am I REALLY? What do I WANT to experience?

Yes, to the Unwanted, without judging it or trying to fix, change, or escape it.

And, the willingness to acknowledge and receive who I truly am, to choose and focus on what I do want, and have the courage to claim it internally.

And beautiful things began to happen.

Financial support came in from unexpected sources. Supplies came to me even when they weren’t available at the stores. The abundant amount of free time I now had turned out to be exactly what my very sick and burned out body needed, and not only was I effortlessly led to the perfect Holistic doctor to work with, I suddenly had the financial means to do so. And my great love came back into my life.

Profound shifts were moving within me; old traumas and limiting stories releasing, wisdom and guidance coming through, often softly, as if a graceful dancer pirouetted across my heart and whispered in my ear.

One of the ways this wisdom whispered to me, came through the disguise of a problem, an area I perceived as a long-wrestled with stuck place. After I finally got fed up with the struggle but found myself wishing I could work through it with a powerful teacher or coach, I thought to myself, “what if I already know everything I need to know to move forward here?”

And that brought in a unique idea, I decided to hire myself as my own Life Coach, for 30 days. Like, I actually hired myself.

I transferred (a rather large amount of) money from my savings to my checking, with the memo, “30 day Clarity Coaching package.” And I booked appointments with myself, putting them in my calendar.

Well, I mean, this isn’t the strangest thing I’ve ever done by far, so I’m ok with sharing it with the world.

I will share more details of this experience in another post, but this connection with the Infinite Wisdom already residing in my Randi-suit led to even more transformation, awareness, and beautiful synchronicities.

Clarity on how to effortlessly launch my Coaching business. An amazing interview with my mentor that was seen around the world. Easily finding the perfect company to partner with for my organic clothing line.

And even more precious than those beautiful things; deeper levels of joy, peace, and inner love and stability than ever before.

So much is possible for us, just waiting for us, if we are willing to lean into our pain and darkness, to see through the illusion and stop battling all that we are not, and start receiving who we really are.

If you are struggling with the struggle, or feel like nothing is working for you, I invite you to slow down, to pause, to Be Still and Know.

Allow yourself to become the compassionate witness, to simply observe whatever unwanted thoughts, feelings, or situations you’re experiencing, without judging anything, without identifying as any of it. See through the illusion that anything unlovely is set in stone or the truth of who you are; it isn’t.

If there are very intense emotions present, observe the thoughts and stories that come up without battling or buying into them, while moving your awareness into your body. Let yourself feel the fear, pain, powerlessness, grief. Where do you feel it in your body, what is the actual sensation? Become aware of your breath, stay present in your body, allowing everything to be exactly as it is for the moment.

And then ask yourself, “Who am I really? What is actually true for me? Who would I be without this (insert problem)? Who would I be if I had nothing to judge, reject, or escape? And who would I be if everything was exactly as I desired or even better than I ever imagined?”

Your True Self, your natural default state of being, IS all that feels good to you, all that lights you up and all that is in alignment with your desires.

So when we are willing to stay present and observe anything we don’t want, realizing it is just a shadowy reflection of who we are not and therefore not a threat and nothing to fight against, the luminous power of who we are can effortlessly shine through.

Peace, Joy, Wisdom, Protection, Satisfaction, Confidence, Safety, Fulfillment, Love. This is just some of who you truly are; always have been, and always will be.

Your desires and your true nature are just waiting for you to say Yes, to all that you are, and all that you love.

Don’t worry about what is dissolving - let yourself receive the magical beauty and infinite power of the Love that you are and all that you desire; this is abundantly available to you right now, in this moment.

You are dissolving into something BEAUTIFUL, just breathe.