Are you really saying yes to your desires?

When you think about your desires, especially those things, people, or experiences your heart most deeply longs for, are you actually thinking about them, as the version of yourself who is enjoying having the blissful fulfillment of these gorgeous desires, right now?

Or are you thinking about the lack of the them, and the fear of non-fulfillment?

 2 years ago after my beloved Chinchilla Pikachu suddenly passed away, I was left heartbroken and without a pet for the first time in my life.

 Then two gorgeous Ragdoll kitten brothers, Loki and Ragnar, came into my life in a beautiful way, soothing my pain and bringing me so much joy and delight. 

 However, given that I got them during quarantine, from an early age they were not used to people coming over very often, and became terribly shy of strangers, running to hide under the bed at the first sound of anyone new.

 To say this triggered me would be a massive understatement.

 Truth be told, I felt rather a disproportionate amount of angst about the whole situation. 

 For one thing, as a diligent mother of my fur-kids, I wanted them to always feel safe and happy in their home, and to feel confident and curious towards others.

 But it also massively triggered an old pattern within me, an old illusory identity that I had long since mistaken as myself.  The identity of "she who does not ever get what she truly wants." 

Never the whole package. Never the wonderful exhale and warm-blanket feeling of true, lasting satisfaction.

 And instead familiar feelings and emotions like well worn clothes surrounded me, my old friends, disappointment, sadness, and shame. 

 For if I couldn't have something as simple as manifesting my ideal cats, then surely there must be something intrinsically and irrevocably wrong with me. 

 I had been a Professional Pet Care Specialist for nearly 18 years at that point and a semi-expert of cat behavior, if I couldn't raise secure, curious kittens, who could? And plenty of other people had normal cats who were friendly and relaxed, why couldn't I have something that I wanted turn out the way I wanted for once? 

 Oh boy. That angst-ridden story and old identity had a death grip on me.

 And like being stuck in a Chinese finger trap toy, the more I wriggled and struggled and fought to get out of that identity, the tighter its hold on me became. 

 Even though this may seem, comparatively speaking, a smaller conundrum to deal with, I struggled for 2 agonizing years with this perceived “problem”; vacillating between “trying” to manifest a change and “trying” to be at peace and release resistance. 

 Given the fact that I myself am a Trauma-informed Manifestation coach, this only added to my angst, shame and frustration.

Until one day, I was finally ready to give up the fight.

To stop shadow boxing with a version of me who on its own, wasn't even real. Who didn't exist beyond the white knuckle grip holding that identity in place, through an accidental misidentification of self.

To put a conscious-creation spin on the well-known line from Master Yoda, “Do or do not, there is no try”, the invitation is actually, “Be or be not, there is no DO”.

I had to BE the version of myself whose kittens were just as my heart desired.

And that meant feeling the discomfort of the old story and observing the thoughts, without buying into any of it, and without trying anymore to fix, change, or get rid of it.

That was so very uncomfortable at first. But when we are truly willing to expand our conscious awareness to the recognition that we are the Observer, the Watcher of the Thinker, and just witness the thoughts or old stories that arise, while simultaneously staying anchored in the body without judging or resisting the sensations that are present, true transformation is possible.

Old identities crumble before us, past stories that once felt so solid and real begin to dissolve like mist, and sticky energies in our body presenting as experiences like depression, fear, or anxiety, alchemize into pure life force; the energy of our True Nature.

All it really takes to be who truly are, is to be willing to let all we are not, fall away.

It’s not even about “letting go”; when we stop struggling and identifying with the unwanted, what is unlike Love lets go of us. Because it was never real to begin with.

From that place, that zero point of unconditioned Awareness, as I AM that I AM, we can now choose what is true of our world. Choose to identify as someone else, to experience something else.

To receive from the pure love and appreciation of our desire, rather than from the pain of lack and rejection of what is.

Which is what I finally did with my beautiful fur-kids.

I slowed way down in my inner world, and witnessed the pain of identifying with that old story, and watched the thoughts of fear and worry float by. I breathed into the tight sensations in my body where my nervous system felt that anything but lack and disappointment was unfamiliar. And as those stuck energies moved through, which they did, beautifully, because our bodies know so brilliantly how to move what does not belong, I felt free to actually say yes to my desire.

Then it was simply a choice to decide, ‘here’s what’s true. My kittens are confident and curious, and love visitors’.

It was effortless to go within to my inner experience, my imagination, and see them relaxed, and feel the joy and satisfaction in my body of that now being my real, normal, natural everyday life.

It was not forced effort, grasping, or frantic techniques, it was a decision to return over and over, to the knowing of who I truly am, and from there, embody what is true of my world.

When the old story tried to pop back in, I just softened and breathed into my body, resisted nothing, and moved on in my day, reveling in the delight of my desire already done. A continual dual surrender; surrendering the unwanted by simply refusing to keep grasping it, and, surrendering to my desire, by resting in the truth of it, again and again. Feeling the peace and gratitude in the present moment, no matter what the 3D was showing me.

Less than 2 weeks later, as I hosted Thanksgiving dinner at my home, I got my desire.

Even though at first it looked like nothing was changing; the boys were hiding under the bed as usual, I persisted in allowing my old responses to fall and away and say yes to my desire unconditionally, whether they came out that night or not.

Then sure enough, towards the end of the evening, they both came out, to my amazement and the delight of my guests.

But the biggest delight, was to experience my own liberation, from a life-long identity that had manifested so much lack, disappointment, and sadness.

That is the brilliant perfection of the world mirror, and why it is such a gift.

Because it is always showing us who we are being, in relation to any given subject.

But the grace and benevolence of Life, of our True Self, is always there offering us the opportunity to choose again, to embody something else, and receive that desired reflection back.

In my opinion, that’s why we even have our desires.

They are the most gorgeous, generous gifts from our Higher Self, guiding us back home to who we really are, as we learn to release what we paradoxically, never were.

So Lovelie, I invite you to start really saying YES to your desires. To each and every one of them, from the tiny and mundane to the most outlandish.

Let them be the catalyst to stand courageously in the face of all the fierce illusions that seem so real and solid, and allow the power and presence of your vast infinite truth dissolve them, one by one.

Then receive the exquisite satisfaction and gratitude of what your heart yearns for, right here, right now.

Because it is right here, right now. In the only place that matters, your inner world, made real by the Eternal Now.

And just like the smallest acorn contains within it everything it needs to become a mighty oak tree, each desire contains it's own plan of fulfillment, no matter how improbable appearances may seem.

Trust in that, rest in that, and watch the reflection change.

You are meant to have what lights you up, so say yes, and see just how magical you really are.